23 September 2009

Why Baby Humans Make the Worst Pets

  • Baby humans are not very furry.

  • They cry, and their cries are not as cute or pleasant as those of other mammals.

  • Every other pet you can simply go out and buy. You have lots of options to choose from. To get a baby human, you have to GROW it yourself. In fact, it takes two people to initiate growth of a baby human. You have to wait nine months until it is done growing. During that time they like to punch and claw at your insides. You even have to pay someone to supervise getting the baby human out of your body. Apparently it hurts. You only get one choice of which one is yours. It tends to look like you. If you're ugly, this might be a problem.

  • If you don't want to grow your own baby human, it is very expensive. Lots of people and lots of laws get involved.

  • Baby humans take several years to learn to go to the bathroom in the correct manner. Puppies and kittens and even rats can be taught in a matter of weeks. Baby humans require a sack strapped to their private parts, so they can poop and pee it it and get it smeared all over themselves only to have you clean it up, throw away the sack, and put a new one on.

  • Baby humans require clothing. Usually.

  • Baby humans require expensive protective equipment, such as car seats and strollers rather than leashes. Some people choose to leash up baby humans, but it is necessary that they first must be able to walk. This business of learning to walk can take a baby human up to a year.

  • Baby human beds tend to be more expensive than dog beds, and take up less space. Also, baby humans cannot get into their bed by themselves.

  • You cannot leave a baby human at home alone.

  • Baby humans do not sleep through the night. Therefore, when you have one, neither do you.

  • Baby humans cannot automatically swim. Or breathe underwater.

  • Baby humans are picky about food. At first they like to suck it out of you. Later they like to make a mess when you feed it to them. If they don't like it, they won't eat it. They are not okay with eating the same thing every day.

  • The better-behaved your baby human is, the better a person people think you are. This can be very stressful if you have a misbehaving baby human.
I want a puppy.


Michael Jerry Kelso Atkinson said...

word, puppies are better than babies in pretty much every way possible....

Merry said...

And I love the random picture that comes with this post!

rebecca said...

hahaha. this was hilarious

Barbie said...

that was hysterical!!!

Moscow Monson's said...

Yes but I have first hand experience that says you are very good with the human kind ;) Also, I have had three of the human kind and I'm on my first dog kind...I'd rather potty train a kid any day, and yet I'm completely in love with my puppy, and my human girls. Great post, it made me laugh!